Apologize.....

You know... there are something's in my life that drive me crazy... Like when I get the feeling that something's happened or when I've possibly done something wrong and then when I ask what it is that I've done wrong. How do people expect me to grow and change as a person If I'm never told how to correct the things that I've done wrong?

I place myself in the path of disappointment often. I know I'm not that great of a human.. I make mistakes all the time.. I fuck up. I do things with reckless abandonment....

Many times I stand drunk in the moment watching the headlights come at me... at blazing speeds and I do nothing to move out of the way because of how my head feels.. A friend of mine told me the other night that I need to teach people how to treat me... It's right line of thinking that she has.. because.. people know when I draw a line that it's best not to toe it.. Yet I'm finding out that people still tend to roll me over.. maybe it's because of all the years that I lived having to give servitude to a person who took everything for granted from the people around him...To know now as a person that I can love someone because I chose to and not because I have to play nice has to be one of the best feelings in the world.... I once thought that the best thing would to be free.. to be outside of that life.. and yet there is part of me that understood my place in that life... understood my role... even though it was ... what it was.... the honest truth is I'll only ever be... what someone is willing to see in me..  I'll only ever be that...

I want to change I want to grow... but if I make mistakes... I need to know who's toes I stepped on and what I said or did that was wrong... 

FUCK IT.. fuck it all I'm tired of the dreams .... I'm tired of caring.. No one ever reads this blog so yea.. I'M so tired of feeling hurt and lost. SO tired of not knowing what to do or what to think.. I'm so tired of being strong and fighting.. what the hell am I fighting for any more?...

It hurts...

The ...

I feel alone and hurt. I don't know which way to go or if I should go any way at all. I keep looking yet I feel lost. I can see anyone around me and everything looks vast and far away. I keep hoping that someone anyone I know will show up. I'm not running or walking. I just seem to be floating around and searching. I roll ideas through my mind as to where people are or where I can look for them. Yet I can't seem to make anything happen. I wake up in a panic. Alone in a dark room with nothing but a cat and the hum of things around me......... ....

These Dreams

Seem more like real life. I was in the car and I was driving. Though I was upset because I didn't know where I was going Or why. I just knew I had to get there. I just knew I had to be at that place. Wherever it was in my dream. I could see the sun going down as I drove and it scared me because I knew I was running out of time.

I woke up panicked and scared....

Ache

Everything griding, rolling, pressing and arching. Skin touching. Breathless. Whispered needs and frustration. I press down. Wanting closer. Wanting more. Every part of me screaming for more. Watching your face. Knowing that you're feeling what I'm feeling.... but the frustration... feeling everything but not able to finish..

Waking

I sleep so hard because of the sleeping pills.... The dreams are vague at best... So much.. It hurts to much to be awake..

Dreaming in black and white

I could see a person. Ahead of me. It's him again. I think. Everything was in black and white. and the edges of the world blurred and then were folded along the edges. I could see the water, then what I think might be France and places I can only guess at.  Black and white and beautiful.....

The Cold Med Blues

So everything that was on tv. I dreamed about it today. As I floated in and out of cold med delirium. Some were sexy some where flashes of light with bright images. Others were about riding a horse across over a road... and then having to cross the same road again, while part of me found this funny another part didn't. As there were many wakening moments.. I'm not sure how I woke...

Sick and Dreaming of Pot?

It's true. My throat is killing me. I'm achy everywhere. I promised myself I would be true to this blog and write what I dreamt.

So I was consuming pot in every way possible. The dream starts of with me on a bus, the lady next to me has a thermos and a cup. She passes it to me and I drink some. I know right away what it is and seem to enjoy the flavor. Then I'm getting of the bus in the all to bright sunshine. Then from there I'm out in a field with some friends and I have a BAG like a 1 gallon size bag of pot. We run into a cop that is out looking for bad people.. whatever that means in my dream. The night goes on and we are joined by celib A.K. He's a party type guy and we are getting stoned with him. Out of nowhere we hear the barking of the dogs. We start running down a hill everything is a mess. Then we slide and roll further down a hill. Only to end up in what looks like an Indian village. Looking at the buildings and trying to find our way into one. A man comes out and just as he does the cop shows up with the two dogs. However the Indian man tells him that the pot is legal on the reservation and that he doesn't belong here. So the cop was in trouble and we were safe... I woke up bemused..

Cloudy With A Chance Of

The dreams were fuzzy and I was unable to focus. I remember feeling lost and confused.

I guess a night with out clear dreams is a good thing.

I Wish I Was Your....

It's all about this guy. A guy that I don't recognize I'm at a large building, like house or a church. We are inside. I remember that it's my building and the people living their are living there rent free. I want to show him every part of this building show him around. Turning on the television. I find it hard to sleep but he wraps his arm around me. I remember that I didn't want to drool on him. Even though I do. He seems ok with it. Rather happy that I do. Time moves on in the dream. I am going about checking out the many "pod" like rooms. I'm also looking for him. Everywhere.  Then I'm with him again. The dream has a sexual feel about it even though there is no sex happening.  I feel like I own him in someway that I need to protect him, watch over him, love him, and care for him. I wake baffled and confused.

Why, why, why?

My heart hurts. I can feel myself sobbing but unable to cry. My thoughts fall and float to walking in to dark places. Why why why why why.....let go let go let go let go...it's all there. I will my soul to leave and to stay gone and away. It won't listen to me. I am so angry at it for sticking around. Then she is there, by my side. My tears still won't come. I look at her, wanting to know why? How to end this all? How to stop what I'm feeling? She looks at me, and I know now what she knows. She knows that it's been in vain. We will be betrayed in the end, not through evil designs, but by love. The grasping of this. To KNOW makes me feel like I've been shaken to the core. I wake sobbing and screaming...

In The Winter

There's a trail of blood. Drops and then long red river-lets. Flowing and crimson. I look up and everything, all of the flakes start turning to ash. Everywhere I turn there are flames. The bletch and spew everywhere. My eyes start to burn from the heat. I can feel them, the things in the shadows watching me. They know. The white snow becomes gray. The air feels think and my skin feels like it's on fire. I can't see where to go. Where to run or turn. All I know is that they will be after me soon. If they get me they will claw and rip. They will bite and gnaw. I feel like there is no refuge around no safe place to go. No one to run to. The fear turns to panic, the panic builds to tears, the panic seizes my heart. I wake..clutching.. nothing....

Lips

Fingers gliding over skin. The goose bumps rising across skin. Heavy deep breath shuddering in my chest. The fingers digging in and massaging skin and muscle. The feel of hot lips on cool skin. Like flame finding it's way into the core of me. Every movement down my body brings me closer. My heart races. Everything in me pulses in time with throbbing between my legs. Shivers and shudders down my spine. Mouth finding it's way lower still. Claiming  ownership everywhere that it touches. The sweet chill after the mouth moves on. Feeling everything sliding and moving together. Rocking in frustration. Fingers digging for something that's not there. Then with a final kiss of the lips. I am there, through and undone. With nothing left. Spent. I wake sobbing.

The First Of Many Dreams

Feeling the weight on my legs like lead. I can't run any more and my lungs feel like they are on fire.  The dark shadows of the shadow dogs are all around me. No matter where I go I can see them.  They even cross over into my waking state. Sometimes I'll see them laying in the shadows. Looking there waiting for something to happen. As I turn in the dreams I can hear the voices. As it is often in dreams I can't tell what's being said or by whom. I can feel the harsh cold earth beneath my feet. Walking on my toes as if in the darkness it will help me to be more stealthy. My legs and back hurt. Yet there is part of me that nags me in the dream. How can things hurt if I'm dreaming?

Then the fear is back... fear that sends me flying. I find myself in a store of some sort. Looking through the lanes. Trying to see things. Feeling the fear take over with a sense of urgency that I need to find the way through and out. It's then that I hear them... growling low and seeking through the shadows.

They are on me clawing.. bitting..

I wake. Sweating... with huge bruises on my forearm and bicep.