You know... there are something's in my life that drive me crazy... Like when I get the feeling that something's happened or when I've possibly done something wrong and then when I ask what it is that I've done wrong. How do people expect me to grow and change as a person If I'm never told how to correct the things that I've done wrong?
I place myself in the path of disappointment often. I know I'm not that great of a human.. I make mistakes all the time.. I fuck up. I do things with reckless abandonment....
Many times I stand drunk in the moment watching the headlights come at me... at blazing speeds and I do nothing to move out of the way because of how my head feels.. A friend of mine told me the other night that I need to teach people how to treat me... It's right line of thinking that she has.. because.. people know when I draw a line that it's best not to toe it.. Yet I'm finding out that people still tend to roll me over.. maybe it's because of all the years that I lived having to give servitude to a person who took everything for granted from the people around him...To know now as a person that I can love someone because I chose to and not because I have to play nice has to be one of the best feelings in the world.... I once thought that the best thing would to be free.. to be outside of that life.. and yet there is part of me that understood my place in that life... understood my role... even though it was ... what it was.... the honest truth is I'll only ever be... what someone is willing to see in me.. I'll only ever be that...
I want to change I want to grow... but if I make mistakes... I need to know who's toes I stepped on and what I said or did that was wrong...
